Uncertainty, transitory and actuality

[quintessentone]

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That feeling of 'isolation' from the 'rest of reality' provoked a deep existencial terror on my ego. I've been somewhat clinging to the remnants of my 'mental structure' ever since. However, it lost some 'features', such as the ability of entertaining any 'certitude' whatsoever, and the 'desire' to experience, or 'become' anything in particular, even to 'solve' my anxiety 'issues' (certainly not an excuse for lack of motivation or laziness, nope).

[...]

Are you the observer or the object? When you walk in a forrest everything around you is aware off you and observing you. You change the ambience of any environment that you enter. That seems very connected to me and not isolated at all.

I tend to agree with you on this, which is why I used "feeling of". It was, as far as I understand, a perspective from 'me'. The 'isolation' in single quote referred to "something akin, but not really". If I elaborate, it was more about 'not being able to interact in any meaningful way within the human world', and by that I mean both interaction with other humans, and objects with which humans interact on a regular basis.

In simpler terms, I was afraid of the prospect of having to ask myself and define what a "chair" (or anything) is everytime I stumble across one.

[...]

I will resign myself to exploring spirit energy using great and/or insightful thinkers' theories to mull around the possibilities, but ultimately I will believe in my heart, mind and soul what feels and seems most logical to be the truth for me. I will not use my third eye to find the answers because I don't know what I am looking for, which, IgnorantGod, can indeed be anxiety-provoking.

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One of the most disturbing aspect of my experience that day was something which I consider similar to the dismemberment phase of a initiation ritual. It felt like a 'dissolution' of the 'self' in the 'pool of potential' of 'what it could be'. I basically got afraid at 'getting stuck in it', not being able to 'come back'. But I did, and here I am!

But considering those past reactions, and choices made, I'd rather avoid doing it carelessly the next time, if it happens. I do perform a small mental exercice several times a day which I stop thinking with words and just 'experience the moment' for 15 minutes or something. I was also considering getting back into meditation lately.

Do you know when others say words can't be found or that the words do not exist to express certain existential experiences? I think you found them with 'dismemberment phase of a initiation ritual' and 'deep existential terror', at least for me as those are the exact feelings I felt with the added feeling that I needed to get back for some purpose.

However, right now I am grappling with existential nihilism vs. externalism.

It is a fact that our living bodily energy photons are being released everywhere, out into the universe. Is each and every one of them a part of our spirit? Is everyone's spirit everywhere? Is it the 'all' that we seem to have this deep seated terror or is it really fear of the unknown that death holds for us? Is that how you and I can travel to that place because our energy signature is already a part of it?

I do deep breathing and have restful mind moments, but diving back into deep mediation and those others 'third eye' trips is off the table for me at this point (after those experiences). 

I want to believe in an afterlife and after those 'trips' and others strange supernatural events in my life, I feel I already know the that the 'all' exists and that energy is never destroyed, but transformed.