Uncertainty, transitory and actuality

[IgnorantGod]

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Do you know when others say words can't be found or that the words do not exist to express certain existential experiences? I think you found them with 'dismemberment phase of a initiation ritual' and 'deep existential terror', at least for me as those are the exact feelings I felt with the added feeling that I needed to get back for some purpose.

However, right now I am grappling with existential nihilism vs. externalism.

It is a fact that our living bodily energy photons are being released everywhere, out into the universe. Is each and every one of them a part of our spirit? Is everyone's spirit everywhere? Is it the 'all' that we seem to have this deep seated terror or is it really fear of the unknown that death holds for us? Is that how you and I can travel to that place because our energy signature is already a part of it?

I do deep breathing and have restful mind moments, but diving back into deep mediation and those others 'third eye' trips is off the table for me at this point (after those experiences). 

I want to believe in an afterlife and after those 'trips' and others strange supernatural events in my life, I feel I already know the that the 'all' exists and that energy is never destroyed, but transformed.

I had a very hard time describing those experiences the following 2-3 years after the ASC. I was caught in a kind of nihilistic deconstructionism towards human capabilities at elaborating anything more than 'temporal truths', no 'absolute'.

The term 'existencial terror' comes from former ATS member KellyPrettyBear, that mentioned such during one of our conversation in one of his thread. The same goes for the dismemberment phase, which I took from George P. Hansen book "The Trickster and the Paranormal", whereas he tries to elaborate some patterns between initiation rituals and the "Trickster archetype" he formulates in a prior section. Again, it is KPB that referred that book to me, and I'm grateful to him for his suggestions. Seriously, it really "put words where I had none" at that time (also where I first came across the word liminality, and the concept around it).

Your comment on photon is quite interesting! I do believe the 'self' is of illusonal nature, and thus is somewhat 'defined' as a byproduct of the boundaries between 'internal' and 'external', as a 'place' in between. Not entirely formed by the body, and yet not entirely from 'outside' neither, but some kind of collective efforts between 'body' and 'environment'. Light could be somekind of 'carrier' of sort?